Highly contested child custody cases are hard on everyone. The children's routines change. The parents lose the ability to see their children 24/7. None of it is pleasant. But can parents make it worse? Absolutely!

During custody proceedings, parents typically live in separate homes. One parent might stay in the family home, while the other moves to a new place. This separation helps reduce tension and allows everyone to adjust to their new living situation. This transition isn't easy, which is why Iowa courts can issue temporary matters orders in child custody and divorce cases.

Temporary matters orders cover important issues like which parent has the children on specific days and who is responsible for certain bills. Judges make these decisions based on statements provided by each parent and people who support their position about child custody.

After the judge issues an order, children sometimes resist the arrangement. When this happens, some parents show their children the court document that dictates when they must visit the other parent. Trying to force a child to see you by showing them a court decision is not only inappropriate, but it presents an ultimatum that will only widen the emotional gap between you and your child. Not surprisingly, many children don't respond well to being told that a stranger (the judge) has decided where they'll spend their time, where they'll sleep, and what place they'll call home.

If you have already shown your children a court order or told them they must go with you because a judge said so, step back and pause. The best strategy is to tell your children in an age-appropriate manner that you should not have shown them the stuff you and their other parent are working on, that you both love and support them, and that you want to understand how you can make sure you see each other. Sometimes gradual steps toward reaching the entire parenting time schedule makes children feel more in control and comfortable.

The best approach when children don't want to visit or stay overnight with the other parent is to actively support the parent-child relationship. Tell your children that both parents love them. Reassure them that either parent is just a phone call away. Help them look forward to spending time with both parents.

These strategies are used by parents who truly put their children first in custody cases—even when the parents disagree about what's best for the children. This child-centered approach keeps children from being caught in the middle of the proceedings.